all my loves: from 1st to 10th grade
goofy girls
the image I will forever have of these girls; smiling and lovin lifeSo the school ended Sat. and I had to say goodbye to the girls that have captured my heart here in India. Not going to lie, it was extremely hard. After coming back from Delhi I spent the rest of my spring break at the orphanage soaking up every last minute with the girls. I conducted a few interviews of the Sisters, and tried to capture the girls on video so that when my memory fails me of the small details, I can forever have them with me. I tried to concentrate every time they said ‘Rebeccakka’ trying desperately to store the ring of their voices deep within my memory. Knowing that within a few days I would probably never again see these girls. Most going back to the slums for 3 months, or shipped off to another orphanage. Only by God’s grace will I ever again see any of these girls again. Isn’t it sad when you say goodbye knowing that it’s not just a ‘see ya later’, but an actual ‘goodbye’? Thankfully I have the hope that one day in Heaven I will see them again--the only thing that kept me from falling to pieces right then and there. They truly have stolen my heart; like the children in Jamaica did, like the babies and Gran Moun in Haiti did, they took it right away.
It made me think…what happens when you lose the pieces of your heart? I’ve lost a piece to Jamaica, a piece to Haiti, and now a piece to India….do those separate pieces continue growing, making you more full of love, or do you lose them and become less of a person? I have to believe that they continue growing, just where you left them, to make you a better person; otherwise I’d be less of a person today because I loved.
Isn’t love the greatest of Gods creations? The ability to love and be loved is the single greatest joy a human can feel here on earth. Better than a feast, or a beautiful sight…I truly love this country, but more than that I loved hearing ‘Rebeccakka’ and receiving kisses and hugs from girls that I loved; to love little children, and to be loved back was deeply satisfying. My trip is not over, but I can confidently say that it has been the single greatest experience of my trip to India thus far…worth every penny of the plane ride, worth every heart-wrenching emotion I felt as I left the ones I loved in the airport, worth all the diarrhea/throw up I’ve experienced here, worth all of it…and more. So it was hard saying bye…more than hard…but once again I'm at a loss for words for how it felt to try and soak up all their love knowing that I would never see them again.
I'm tearing up just writing this becausewhile it’s only been 3 days, I already miss them. But I know God has ended this small chapter in my life so that He can open a new one…so that He can love more people through me…God is making sure that my love in India is not monopolized by just these girls. God has opened up an opportunity for me to go and work at Sishu Bhavan. This is an orphanage for the mentally/physically handicapped children as well as terminally-ill children. I know this will also be a very enriching experience and looking forward to it has helped soothe the sting of saying goodbye to my girls.
Before I said goodbye (they left Sat) I threw them a pizza party Fri! Pizza is my favorite food, and the majority of them had never had pizza! This amazed me and I had to let them in on what they were missing out on. Most of them are too poor to afford such ‘delicacies’ so it was my honor to introduce them to pizza. And let me say it was a hit! I ordered from Pizza Hut and surprisingly I got a realllly good deal on the pizzas. (I don’t believe that this was coincidence at all!) I was expecting to spend a couple hundred bucks on the pizza, and ended up spending less than $100!! How cool!?
I also brought all my clothes that I brought with me from the states (except for 2 skirts, my jeans, 2 tshirts, 2 pjs and all the ‘indian clothes’ that I’ve bought here ) and gave them away to the 10th grade girls. Watching them divide up my clothes and become excited about new clothes (even though they were mostly tshirts and goodwill skirts) def. put a smile on my face. As for the 2 skirts and tshirts that I have kept, I plan on giving those to Punama (the hostel’s cleaning girl) right before I leave…I saved her favorite skirt for her. Now if only I could tap into a ‘deeper self’ and get rid of all my clothes (and materialism)….but I guess one step at a time.
I won’t start work at Sishu Bhavan until next week but in the meantime I will in fact be quite productive…but in a different sense. But that’s reserved for my next blog!
All in all it was a great Spring Break, but extremely bittersweet. Traveling north was great, but saying goodbye to my loves and ultimately a piece of my heart was difficult beyond description. It’s hard to sit here and try to communicate feelings, to fit emotions into the English language when it just doesn’t seem possible. So please excuse me for incommunicable state…perhaps someday you might be blessed enough to feel the same way-maybe by Gods grace you too can feel beautiful heartbreak. That’s what I’ve termed this feeling; the feeling of saying goodbye to a piece of your heart for Gods glory. Knowing that God has broken your heart but in the place of that missing piece He will grow an even bigger piece giving you greater capacity to love. It hurts to have it separated from the whole, but the knowledge that it will grow back even bigger than before is why I continue to place myself in pain.
Beautiful Heartbreak; I hope all of you can feel it someday; just as the term is an oxymoron, so the feeling is contradictory-amazing pain. That is my prayer for all you today, it’s a divine feeling that you’ll never forget and more importantly you’ll never be able to get enough of. It’s the best kind of addiction.
It made me think…what happens when you lose the pieces of your heart? I’ve lost a piece to Jamaica, a piece to Haiti, and now a piece to India….do those separate pieces continue growing, making you more full of love, or do you lose them and become less of a person? I have to believe that they continue growing, just where you left them, to make you a better person; otherwise I’d be less of a person today because I loved.
Isn’t love the greatest of Gods creations? The ability to love and be loved is the single greatest joy a human can feel here on earth. Better than a feast, or a beautiful sight…I truly love this country, but more than that I loved hearing ‘Rebeccakka’ and receiving kisses and hugs from girls that I loved; to love little children, and to be loved back was deeply satisfying. My trip is not over, but I can confidently say that it has been the single greatest experience of my trip to India thus far…worth every penny of the plane ride, worth every heart-wrenching emotion I felt as I left the ones I loved in the airport, worth all the diarrhea/throw up I’ve experienced here, worth all of it…and more. So it was hard saying bye…more than hard…but once again I'm at a loss for words for how it felt to try and soak up all their love knowing that I would never see them again.
I'm tearing up just writing this becausewhile it’s only been 3 days, I already miss them. But I know God has ended this small chapter in my life so that He can open a new one…so that He can love more people through me…God is making sure that my love in India is not monopolized by just these girls. God has opened up an opportunity for me to go and work at Sishu Bhavan. This is an orphanage for the mentally/physically handicapped children as well as terminally-ill children. I know this will also be a very enriching experience and looking forward to it has helped soothe the sting of saying goodbye to my girls.
Before I said goodbye (they left Sat) I threw them a pizza party Fri! Pizza is my favorite food, and the majority of them had never had pizza! This amazed me and I had to let them in on what they were missing out on. Most of them are too poor to afford such ‘delicacies’ so it was my honor to introduce them to pizza. And let me say it was a hit! I ordered from Pizza Hut and surprisingly I got a realllly good deal on the pizzas. (I don’t believe that this was coincidence at all!) I was expecting to spend a couple hundred bucks on the pizza, and ended up spending less than $100!! How cool!?
I also brought all my clothes that I brought with me from the states (except for 2 skirts, my jeans, 2 tshirts, 2 pjs and all the ‘indian clothes’ that I’ve bought here ) and gave them away to the 10th grade girls. Watching them divide up my clothes and become excited about new clothes (even though they were mostly tshirts and goodwill skirts) def. put a smile on my face. As for the 2 skirts and tshirts that I have kept, I plan on giving those to Punama (the hostel’s cleaning girl) right before I leave…I saved her favorite skirt for her. Now if only I could tap into a ‘deeper self’ and get rid of all my clothes (and materialism)….but I guess one step at a time.
I won’t start work at Sishu Bhavan until next week but in the meantime I will in fact be quite productive…but in a different sense. But that’s reserved for my next blog!
All in all it was a great Spring Break, but extremely bittersweet. Traveling north was great, but saying goodbye to my loves and ultimately a piece of my heart was difficult beyond description. It’s hard to sit here and try to communicate feelings, to fit emotions into the English language when it just doesn’t seem possible. So please excuse me for incommunicable state…perhaps someday you might be blessed enough to feel the same way-maybe by Gods grace you too can feel beautiful heartbreak. That’s what I’ve termed this feeling; the feeling of saying goodbye to a piece of your heart for Gods glory. Knowing that God has broken your heart but in the place of that missing piece He will grow an even bigger piece giving you greater capacity to love. It hurts to have it separated from the whole, but the knowledge that it will grow back even bigger than before is why I continue to place myself in pain.
Beautiful Heartbreak; I hope all of you can feel it someday; just as the term is an oxymoron, so the feeling is contradictory-amazing pain. That is my prayer for all you today, it’s a divine feeling that you’ll never forget and more importantly you’ll never be able to get enough of. It’s the best kind of addiction.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1Corinthians 13:13
With love, Rebecca Ann
With love, Rebecca Ann
g life
Just like so many of God's ways, they are contrary to what makes worldly sense! Yes you are right, the more of yourself and your heart you give away, the more He will give you back to give away! You are in my prayers. May the Creator and author of love (John 3:16) equip you and bless you as you so freely reflect the character of His perfect love to His children in India.
ReplyDeleteDiana Willis