lament on ignorant Indian men

Ok, I think I can finally have this blog now that my trip is coming to a close and my mother won’t have to worry too much for too long. Plus I could use a little session of healthy complaining on an issue that has bothered me from day 1.
Indian men; like all men they’re not ALL bad! Please understand this! The majority of the friends that I’ve made here in India are guys who are amazing, and super protective of me, and super respectful of me as well. They always pick me up & drop me off when hanging out, and refuse to let me take an auto by myself (even though I often do without their knowledge—I am after all an independent American young woman, who feels indestructible.) So please understand that there are handfuls of wonderful guys and this criticism is only for the ignorant Indian men whose only perceptions of white women are from the Hollywood movies that they see. They assume all white women are easy, and want to be taken advantage of…esp. blonde women (which is why I have found it convenient to have dark hair here in India, and will not be dying it blonde until I get back to the states.)
Let me first say that my culture and overfriendly personality has set me up for failure in this country. Since I was young I was taught to be friendly, hospitable, and independent and to smile at strangers—things that are all valued in sociable southern America, but bad for me here in a conventional India. Also my naive personality in which I see the best in everyone until demonstrated otherwise has also proven quite dangerous for me here. You see in India if a girl even looks a man in the eye it means she is interested. Smiling is out of the question-it suggests more than interest…it’s a dare for the man to come over and try to flirt. These are things that I have learned from others, and from experience. Whenever I walk alone after dark (after about 6:30p I am forced to wear a scarf on my head covering my hair, symbolizing that I am not looking for any unwanted attention. I have learned not to look at men in the eye, or smile, or be too friendly to waiters or other men of service; all denying my natural affinity towards extreme friendliness.
Here are some daunting stories--but before I proceed let me just say: Keep in mind that I am completely unharmed, and everything is alright. If you have a tendency to worry, I kindly ask for your sake, and mine that you not read on. It will just cause undue worry which is useless, seeing as I am about a million miles away and there is absolutely nothing to be done. I am taking every precaution after these incidences, and have reported them to the appropriate people and have learned from each incident how to better stay safe. Also I carry my mace with me always and have learned to keep my phone charged and full of currency should the need to make an emergency call arise.
Now, shall we begin……
My first story takes place about Feb. when my hair was still blonde. I was wearing my hair down and walking back from St. Joseph’s around 4 in the afternoon. I was walking back earlier than usual because a friend from the hostel, Karin, was leaving the next day and I was going to go out with her and Ekta for a small goodbye dinner. As I walked on the sidewalk a car pulled up beside me…the driver rolled down his window and started saying “hey….HEY!” I casually glanced over, making sure I didn’t know the stranger, and continued walking completely ignoring the stranger. He then asked “do you want some sweets?” I felt like saying “Do you think I'm a 5 year old kid?!?” but refused to acknowledge him. He then got the crux of his mission- “Do you need a ride? Hey you! Do you need a ride? Get in the car baby, I’ll take you anywhere you need to go!” At this I realized the situation was more serious than I had originally thought. I sped up my walking, and knew that I could not walk back to my hostel and possibly show this stranger where I lived, so I spotted a small drycleaners store and immediately walked inside. At this the car sped away, probably fearful that I was getting help. Lessons learned from this: 1.Always keep money on my phone—I had no money on my phone and realized after the fact that this could have been terrible for my safety….since I’ve always kept plenty of money on my phone. 2.I may feel safe in daylight, but some guys are not afraid to be so bold in daylight, so I should never let my guard down—even in the day.
My second story is quite similar in nature but a bit scarier. It took place about a week after the first incident: I left St. Joseph’s much later than planned one Thursday night because I had gone to prayer with the girls and one of the little rascals had stolen my shoes and I had searched for half an hour (to no avail) and eventually had to borrow some from Glory to walk home. It was a half hour past the usual time that I left and already pretty dark. As I left Andrew called me and asked if I would come to coffee with him and Adi…I agreed and then tried to find an Auto. I had a scarf over my blonde hair and was hailing down an auto when a guy on a motorcycle pulled over. He parked his bike and got off. He approached me and started asking me questions like my name, where I was from, where in Bangalore I lived, etc. I ignored him and kept trying to hail an auto, but unfortunately could not find one. I decided that I needed to make a move and get away from the potentially dangerous situation, so I started to walk towards my hostel. As I walked, the guy walked with me, continuing his questions and proving to be unyielding. My left hand sunk into my purse as I grasped my mace and the man continued “I’m just tyring to be friendly! Do you want to meet me for coffee? It’s not like that, I have a wife and kids, I just want to know you….” And blah blah blah. My question is if you have a wife and kids why are you asking a young white girl to get on the back of your motorcycle and where she lives and most importantly to join you for coffee!?! I knew this guy was trouble and I finally decided that his persistence would continue with my silence so I finally pulled out my phone and firmly said “leave me alone or I will call my fiancé” (no one here is afraid of the police because they are so corrupt all they would do is ask this guy to pay the police a small fine of maybe 100rups-$2USD to get off the hook.) I was told to create an imaginary husband, fiancé, brother, uncle, etc. to rid any unwanted attention. After I said this, the man finally relented and walked away. Shaking and near tears from the experience I called Andrew and told him that I would not be coming to coffee. He heard the fear in my voice and immediately became concerned. I told him to just let me settle down because I was shaken up, and I would call him back later. My grip on the mace did not loosen until I reached the hostel and finally my shaking had stopped, the few tears that had welled up had fallen and cleared up and I felt much better. I called Andrew, told him I was safe and explained the story. He apologized for asking me to try and catch an auto by myself at this hour, but honestly it was my own fault for leaving St. Jo’s so late. Not 10 minutes later Stefan called and said he was coming to pick me up in his car and taking me out for coffee—I guess the news had spread and Stefan was determined to make it up to me and prove that not all Indian men are bad. Lessons learned from this experience: 1.I can’t go out after dark alone-even wearing a scarf over my head. 2.I need to be firm right away instead of using the ignoring tactic. 3.Even on a crowded Bangalore street scary things can happen.

Unfortunately my stories do not end there. My third story actually took place last week as I was shopping for gifts for friends and family back home. I was by myself, in mid-day and ventured into a small jewelry shop. The salesman was quite friendly but I acted quite indifferent to him because as I have learned the salesmen here try to butter you up which I don’t care for at all—I’d rather just shop in peace. I found several pieces of jewelry in which I liked very much and decided that I could at least acknowledge this salesman (not flirty, or even friendly) so as to maybe get a discount and not be a total snob. So I answered his questions with brief answers but said no more than was necessary and started no conversations with him. I ended up buying a boat-load of jewelry from this guy, and he asked if I wanted a drink—a custom in India that if a salesman knows you’re going to spend a lot of money in his shop he will provide tea, coffee, or juice to try and butter you up. He asked what I wanted, and knowing this custom and that I should take advantage of it because I was after all going to buy a lot I said “just something cold.” He then stepped outside and came back with a bottle of Sprite…this should’ve been a red flag because bottled soft drinks are a bit extravagant for a shop keeper to get a customer as opposed to its coffee/tea/juice counterparts. But as usual I am absent minded and paid no attention to this fact, and dismissed his friendliness and hawk eyes on me as just a typical Indian shop-keeper. I finally found everything that I wanted to buy and brought it all forward to this guy…I paid him a fair price and he even threw in an anklet for free for “being so beautiful”—another red flag. After I handed him the cash he asked for a kiss. At first I thought I had misheard or misunderstood. I thought he might have been asking for correct change, or something (sometimes the accent still gets me a little…) and asked him “I'm sorry, what?” and he replied “can I get a kiss, I think you’re very beautiful.” This threw me completely off-guard for I had not seen this coming at all—again blind to the red flags and completely naive wanting the think the best of everyone. I stood there and stammered trying to think of how best to handle this situation. After about a millisecond I pulled out my fiancé excuse and swiftly walked out the door, not looking back. This story was not at all dangerous by any means, but more humiliating than anything. For a man to assume that he can get whatever he wants from you I’ve learned is quite demeaning and I did not at all relish the feeling. Lessons learned from this: 1.Don’t ignore the signs!!! 2. Don’t be naive! 3. It feels degrading to have a guy expect something sexual (even if it is just a kiss) for kind words and an anklet worth about 50 cents.
My fourth story takes place in an auto rickshaw. The auto driver was quite friendly which I appreciate because when they start conversation it means that they’re intentions are not to rip you off (which is prob. my biggest pet peeve here in India.) He talked and talked and I answered his questions using digression about the information I divulged. Finally upon arrival to my destination the auto driver asked if he could have my cell number and if I would come to his house. Now you see, he could have been completely pure in intentions, but after consulting several Indians about this situation they have all said that there was no purity in his intentions at all. In Indian culture it is taboo for any guy to ask a girl to dinner…esp. a stranger. The only girls that a man invites to his house are the women in the family, and women he expects a ‘good time’ from. Thankfully my good sense overruled my natural tendency towards friendliness, and I graciously denied (again pulling out the fiancé excuse) saying my fiancé would not care for that a bit. A bit put off, he grudgingly drove off, and I later realized that he most likely had an alternate agenda. Lessons learned: 1.Always assume there’s an alternate agenda…sometimes its necessary to assume the worst than the best in other people.
My last story makes me feel like an idiot and I'm sure you will think the same thing…it takes place in a Kurta shop in early March. I was going to get fitted for a Salwar Suit *the Indian dress* and had been fitted before so I knew the drill and that this instance had gone very wrong. You see this particular Kurta shop was on the way to Andrew’s and I just thought it would be less of a hassle to stop somewhere close. I walked in and the first thing the shop keeper said was “FINALLY!” To which I replied confused “excuse me?” He then said that he had watched me walk by his shop countless times (on my way to and from Andrews) and was waiting for the day that I would walk into his shop….red flag #1. I asked if he could fit me for a Salwar and he said “sure step into the back room here”-red flag #2. *a normal fitting consists of quick measurements out in the middle of the store* I stepped into the back room and he continued to say that he thought I was model material for their shop which was launching a website—red flag #3 and asked me if I were interested—red flag #4. I said maybe *dumb on my part* and he asked if he could get my measurements for a profile—red flag#5 and take a few pics of me—red flag#6. I told him I was short on time, and said that he could just get measurements (which is usually a quick process.) He started taking my measurements more than pausing on the measurements of my bust and creating un-needed contact. (can you say RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG!!!!) I felt extremely uncomfortable but warred with myself whether to leave or not *because I'm dumb!* and he took all the other measurements and taking unnecessary measurements of my derrière also creating unwarranted contact there. *RED FLAG!!! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!* He then asked me to spread my legs so he could get the length of my legs and width of my thighs. I feel humiliated to write this, but stupidly enough I did as told. Ignoring my own feelings of uncomfort and red flags was probably the stupidest thing I’ve done here in India. More unnecessary prolonging of the measurements around my upper thighs, when finally this guy had the audacity to ask me to take my jeans off. That was the moment I snapped to and got out of there as fast as possible, and as far away as possible. Lessons learned: 1.NEVER EVER ignore your feelings of uncomfort 2. NEVER EVER ignore the feeling that tells you that something is not right. 3.Getting measured for a Salvar/Kurta should be harmless and should create NO contact with certain areas. 4.Be wary of anyone who says that they want you to be a model. 5. And again—never ignore when someone is making you feel uncomfortable!

All of these stories are just examples of the daily life I face here being a young, white woman here in India. On a daily basis I receive blatant stares from men with only imaginably crude thoughts racing through their minds. Checking me out is not at all disguised and something that sadly I have become desensitized to. Their unashamed gazes, obvious ogles, and unconcealed gaping have all become standard in my everyday life. I hate that I am corrupted in their minds, and at first it made me feel completely shameful. Now it makes me angry and this is my lament for the ignorant men of India who can only see a body, and not the kind soul, and loving personality that is within. In my opinion they’re missing out on the best part of me! (and I would hope you agree with me!)
Before I end this blog let me again restate that this is not all Indian men! I have astounding guy friends here in India, who care for me like a sister, and who I know would do anything for me (they actually offered to beat up all these men when I told them these stories). Also ignorant men are not just contained to India—they have their equal counterparts in all areas of the world, it’s just not as blatant in America. I hope you won’t worry about me, seeing as I’ve learned my lesson and only have less than 2 weeks before I come home and *fingers crossed* no more of these stories to relay to you. Sorry if I scared you, and sorry mom that I didn’t tell you these before, but I knew you would worry, if not freak out after hearing them. I'm safe, a little tougher, and a little wiser because of these incidences. And although I'm still mad and humiliated at myself for that last story all in all the amazing experiences I’ve had in India outweigh these small and insignificant handful of incidences. I would gladly go through the bad all over again for all the good. Hands down; no question.
This one’s for you mom: Mathew 6:27
And for everyone I would like to thank you SOO much for your prayers for my safety. I realize the potentiality of all these situations to be dangerous, but I give thanks to God for protecting me from any real harm. God listens to your prayers for my safety, and for this I am forever grateful to you for being prayer warriors on my behalf. 1 John 5:14-15.
With love,
Rebecca Ann